I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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