Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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