I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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