i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
