I met the friendliest cop last night
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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