Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
