Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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