The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
These tits shall not be calmed
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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