life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The uberlube is also flammable
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize