john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
