i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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