I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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