i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize