i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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