Having a random hookup so left but love u
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
