I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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