Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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