I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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