I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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