Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
