So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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