cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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