It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize