They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
