If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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