Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
