My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
