Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize