Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
