He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
