My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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