How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
