im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
