Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
