Someone shit on the floor
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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