it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
