the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
