She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
