mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
