I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
