I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize