you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Found the puke drawer
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
