Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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