I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
