the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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