If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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