I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
