that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
