I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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