Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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