He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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