So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
