if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
