shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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