he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
