he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
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