did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
