My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
