I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
