just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
