Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
