Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm really busy with my period
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