My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
