Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
