i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
