Im at strip club and am horny
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
