Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
