I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize