You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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