I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
