Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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