Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
